Second Journal Entry: August 6, 2023
It's just that every opportunity I can get to go and see my baby, I jump. AJ literally calls to me at all hours of the day. Not a phone call or a tap on my shoulder. Sometimes it's a tingle in my breasts, blood dripping from my nipples while they're on the pump, or an itch on my tummy where he used to be.
I am going to see my baby today. Last time I went there was 8/3 and I slept the night and left around 7 a.m. He was crying when I walked in and the "consult nurse" at UIC seemed irritated. She mumbled, "oh my goshhh". Why was she in that room alone anyhow as a consult nurse? AJ heard me as I started to pick him up and he got silent. As if I was his antidote. He was crying while looking for me. My mom once told me we can transfer our energy to babies. That fucking b**** probably was agitated, and it made AJ feel the same way. If I need a break, I always sit him down.
Today I plan to hold him and attempt to breast feed while I watch some shows. Maybe 'suits' or '90 Day Fiancé single life'. GG is going to meet me up there so that'll be nice to have some companionship. Julius keeps saying he "thought" about seeing AJ but hasn't. He has been saying it for the last week... I don't and would never bank money on it. I don't know, maybe he is going through his own shit. I am dealing with it in my own way, as is he. I just know LOVE is an action, not a feeling. Words don't become enough in certain situation, especially a "thought". I will just continue to be patient with him... for now.
AJ, mommy is on her way to transfer her love, kindness, and patience onto you. All I need in return is acceptance and your strength. You are so much stronger than me my love.
-Mommy 12:52 p.m.
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