Blind Mission: Stay Focused
I remember when I first decided to start this webpage. I was talking with my husband and told him how I really wanted to start my own blog about what life is like with AJ. I had no idea what I was going to say or where to start, but I know I felt lonely and knew that there were others out there who could relate. Others that didn't have a bias opinion or were quick to distract my saddened emotions with jokes, booze, or dirty dancing.
I thought it'd be simple to create this 'community' based of experience. I love to talk, I enjoy making connections, and people really open up to me. That's actually one of the main reasons I went for my Psychology degree. Although lately, I am finding it hard to have confidence in myself and in my work. I've been of few words lately and catch myself daydreaming more and more. I've felt this feeling before. Out of touch with reality.
It's not easy putting things out there for everyone to read. Opening up about AJ means I open doors to talk about my family, relationships, marriage, health, conflict, love, I mean everything intertwined. I am fearful about judgement, criticism, and stereotypes. My husband will be the first to tell you, I 100% care to much about what other people think of me. Loads of social anxiety, especially when I feel I overshare. And truth be told, I don't know why I am feeling this way. I love my life, my kids need for nothing, everyone is healthy, there is financial stability, I have great friends, I adore my relationship with my siblings, my mother is super supportive. I mean, there is not much drama in my life these days' worth any of my energy. So whhhhy is it that the slightest inconvenience causes me to spiral and have a mental breakdown?
Like yesterday, I had a discouraging call with a respite agency I was trying to get AJ in. For the last month, I have been back and forth and waiting to hear if he would get approved for 2 weeks respite care. My interaction with the coordinator was always pleasant, she's super sweet and very informative. Long story short, she called and let me know that AJ would only be able to stay for 5- 7 days, because of a current program he is already enrolled in, and that was IF there was enough in the grant funds to cover his stay free of charge. For anyone that is unfamiliar with respite care, it's designed to give families a break from the day-to-day responsibilities of those with a special needs child. I desperately needed this break. I was so looking forward to it! I am a full-time stay at home mom, with 4 kids, and I have not had goodnights sleep since the birth of AJ. So hearing this news, completely broke me. Everyone can use a break in my house. My mother, Julius, hell even my other kids. I know they get frustrated that AJ gets a lot of attention and I know that they are tired of me asking tasks of them.
She asked me how I'd like to proceed, and I told her I'd try again at another time. Which is code for, "f*** that". I mean 5 days is nice, and I should have been more grateful, but I guess I just didn't want to set myself up for disappointment if we didn't get grant funds. Besides, the program that he's already in, that lowered his days at respite care, does nothing for him. He's supposed to get nursing, up to 35 hours a week, funded through the government. However, he's been on a 'waitlist' for 5 months and we haven't had any progress since approval.
I have good intentions behind the making of this webpage. I wholeheartedly believe that I can and will make a difference in the lives of those dealing with challenges, barriers, or self-doubt. It will not be simple or easy, but it's never easy when it comes to change. I will continue to speak our truth and raise awareness about the adversities faced on a daily basis. Maybe not today, next week, or next month that you choose to speak out, but I have hope that I am not alone.
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